


Promise

by lolamattel



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Childhood Friends, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gaslighting, married katya
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:00:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28796550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lolamattel/pseuds/lolamattel
Summary: Trixie and Katya have been best friends since they were kids. The kind of best friends that know every single thing about each other. Katya loves Trixie and Trixie loves Katya. Although, maybe Trixie loves Katya in a different way. But, what can a girl do when she's secretly and devoutly in love for her straight and married best friend?
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Guys! 
> 
> First time posting on AO3. You can follow me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/lolamattel)
> 
> Tysm [@galaxybrunost505](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/galaxybrunost505) for helping me edit this story
> 
> Hope you have a nice time reading my story :)

I'm drowning. My lungs are crying for air as I try to rise above _. I need to breathe.  _ My eyes are open, but all I can see is darkness surrounding me everywhere. I try to remember how I got here, but I can't. Swimming is getting rough, like my legs and arms are heavier than ever. My mind is completely fucked up for the lack of oxygen, and it's only thinking about one thing right now: death.

I'm dying. I know I'm dying. People say that you see a light at the end, before Mrs. Death can catch you.  _ Bullshit _ . It's painful, dark, terrifying, and it lasts forever. I decide to stop fighting for air, starting to pray for this to be over soon.  _ God, are you there? It hurts and I feel so lonely. Just take me, please. _ I think it'll be over soon, since my lungs had stopped burning as hell.  _ Thank you, God.  _ I don't feel any pain. My body is numb, and I start to get sleepy. It feels like a drowse.

Nobody is coming for me. I'll be gone and nobody cares to save me. But I'm ok with that. I'm so sleepy that I can't get mad with anyone anymore. I feel my heart going slow and slow, until it stops, and I know I'm dead. The last thing I remember before I leave the world forever is long blond hair, tiny brown eyes and pink freckled cheeks. My mind is so confused, but I know exactly who she is. She's smiling, I can hear her laugh, and it sounds like music to my ears.  _ Trixie. _


	2. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Here goes chapter 2. Hope y'all like it <3  
> Tysm [@galaxybrunost505](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/galaxybrunost505) and [@zamo-95](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/zamo-95) for reading and helping me edit this chapter.
> 
> Also, sorry for any misspellings. English isn't my first language, but I'm doing the best I can lol  
> Be safe and wear your mask 
> 
> xxx
> 
> [Lola](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/lolamattel)

**Katya's pov:**

I grab my phone to skip the song that was playing and realize more than an hour has passed since I woke up from another nightmare. I can still feel the cold sweat, now dry on my skin. Once again, I had the same dream. I was drowning and nobody cared to save me. Every single time I wake up at the moment I'm dead. I'm never capable of remembering anything after I realized my heart had stopped beating. I just wake up on my bed, screaming, sweating and desperately trying to catch my breath again.

My stomach is telling me that it's time to really start my day, so I let go of my phone, music still playing. Things are getting harder every day and I feel like I'm the only one who is noticing this, since almost everybody else treats me like I'm ok.

I made my way to the kitchen and there's some coffee. I don't give a shit if it's cold, just grab my favorite mug and blend it with some milk.  _ Oh Lord, what happened to me?  _ My thoughts are starting to catch me again when I hear the sound of a new message on my phone. I go back to my room and turn off the music. It's Trixie.

**Trixie:** Good Morning, Kat. Sleep well? How are you feeling today? Love you 💗

Trixie and I have been best friends since we were kids. When I was 7 my mom said we had new neighbors across the street, she made cookies and said we should go say welcome. Trixie's mom opened the door, with a big smile on her face  _ "oh, you have a daughter! Trixie, come here! You need to meet someone" _ . I remember how shy Trixie was when she said hi to me for the first time, her face was as pink as the dress she was wearing.  _ "Hi Trixie, I'm Yekaterina! I live in the white house across the street. We can play together sometime, if you need a new friend" _ . I can close my eyes right now and still see Trixie's happy face, a tooth missing on her bright smile  _ "Hi! What a fun name! Wanna play? I just got a new Barbie dreamhouse, to match our new home here in Boston!". _

Since that day we have been inseparable. Trixie knows me better than anyone else in the world, and she's the only one that I don't have to lie to all the time. I mean, I couldn't, even if I wanted to, because Trixie would know I was lying. The girl is an angel and I don't know what my life would be without her.

**Katya:** gm, baby. same shit. completely lost. tks for checking on me. love u xxx

I am about to put my phone down when it starts to beep again.

**Trixie:** Kat, pls...

**Trixie:** I'm so worried about you

**Trixie:** Don't you think you need to come home for a while?

**Trixie:** You don't need to stay at Pat's. You know that. You can stay with me

**Katya:** i think if i go home, i may not come back here

**Trixie:** WELL.....

**Trixie:** Don't you think this could mean something?

**Katya:** i'll think about it, baby face xx

I take a sip of coffee and remember it's cold.  _ Urgh, disgusting _ . I leave the mug on the nightstand for now, putting a mental note to clean it up before the end of the day.  _ Try to look normal. Nobody needs to know a thing. _ My stomach is complaining, but it'll have to wait until lunchtime, I'll drink a cup of water for now.

So, in case you're wondering: I'm Katya and I screw up my life two years ago when I decide to leave Boston with my college boyfriend. He made me so many promises, and I was stupid in love at the time. My mom, Pat, was so happy for us.  _ "You'll have the life your dad took away from me. I'm so proud of you!" _ . So, I quit my job, put my life in a few boxes and a ring on my finger.

I still remember Trixie's face when I told her I was leaving.  _ "Don't cry, Trix. It's ok. We'll still talk every day, baby. Nothing will ever change between us, you know that, right?" _ . I recall how tears were blurring her make up away. It was Halloween evening, and she was dressed as a pink fairy princess, with a flower crown on her head and pink wings on her back. I was dressed as some cult movie character I used to like at the time, but now I can't even remember the name. We were sitting on the sidewalk, my heart was broken to see Trixie sobbing on my shoulder  _ "I just want you to be happy, Katya. I really do. But I'll miss you so much" _ . She cleared her tears and took her necklace off, putting it on my hand  _ "For you to never forget about me. Besties forever" _ , she said, smiling between tears that really never stopped falling down. It was a silver chain, with a pink heart hanging in the end.  _ "Thanks, Trixie, I promise I'll never take it off" _ . And so, I did. I put the necklace on that right moment, and it's still on me, two years later. Every time I feel my life is lost, I grab Trixie's heart and hold it next to my real one.

*******

I'm staring myself in the bathroom mirror for a while now. _Who are you?_ I don't recognize myself anymore. Lately, my big bright blue eyes are always small and empty. I feel like my soul is crying for help all the time, but nobody cares, not even me. _You're not that special. Just stop it and keep it cool._ _Nobody needs to know_.

I hear the front door opening. Michael is home. I wash my face and put my blond hair up in a ponytail. It's so big now.  _ Maybe I should try to give a cut with the kitchen scissors _ . I miss my old hairdresser; he always knew what to do.  _ I miss feeling pretty.  _ I take a deep breath in and walk into the living room. Michael is undressing his tie without taking his eyes off his phone.

"Hey sweetie", he says, giving me a small kiss on my forehead. He didn't even notice I was crying, even with my red puffy eyes.

"Hey. How was your day?" I ask him, forcing a fake smile on my face.  _ Keep it cool. Try to act normal. You got it. Nobody needs to know. _ I hear Michael talking about office stuff, but I'm not really listening, because I truly don't care. I ask some random questions about his story, and he talks a bit longer.

"I'm going to take a shower, ok?" he gives me another small kiss and go to the bathroom, still looking to his phone. Once more I'm alone.

"I'll order Chinese today. Not in the mood to cook" I shout to him through the door, and he just says 'ok'. I'm looking for my phone, finding it placed on the coffee table. I reach it, realizing I've a missing call notification. Trixie was texting me all day, but I wasn't in my best mood for conversation, so I just ignored. By now I think I should call her back. I step to the balcony and light a cigarette, while waiting for her to pick up the call.

"Katya? Why aren't you texting me back?"

"Oh, hello to you too" I laugh with a cigarette between my lips. "Did you miss me? I was kinda busy today".  _ Lie. _ And I know she won't buy it, but I said it anyway. I closed my eyes and instantly felt bad for lying to Trixie. "But I promise I'll do my best next time. I'm... I..." I feel a little dizzy for a second and put out the cigarette.  _ What was I going to say? _ "Sorry, baby face, lost my mind for a moment. What were you saying?"

Trixie's taking a deep breath in, and I know excitedly what she'll say.

"Katya, did you eat anything today?" she asks me, after a long silence.

"Yeah" I had to think for a second before reply her "I had tea with crackers for lunch"

"Only this?"

"And I drank lots of water. I'm a VHP, Trix. Very Hydrated Person". I try to hide my humiliation with a joke, as usual, but Trixie silence is brutal over the phone. Trixie's the only person who knows about my eating disorder. Nobody else ever notices this, because, you know, I'm really good at hiding things from everybody, besides Trixie. We were 15 when Trixie started to ask me some questions about it. I've never thought I was sick because I wasn't spending days without food or throwing up after a meal, like many girls did in high school. I told her I didn't care much about food when I was stressed. I didn't mind if I was starving for hours before deciding to eat something, just because my stomach was begging. Trixie didn't say anything, she just took my hand and gently caressed it. The next day, she showed up for class with a little chocolate cake she made by herself at home. Before I realized, the girl was feeding me every day.

"You know you have to eat, right? Every time you're feeling down or stressed about something, you stop eating. We already know your pattern. You need to promise me you'll eat at least three times a day, Kats. Can you promise me that?"

"But I don't like food, Trix"  _ Geez, I sound like a brat. _

"You like when I make it for you..."

"Yeah, but it's different when it's yours". It was true. I like Trixie's food, but what I REALLY love was seeing her face while I eat anything that she made me. Hell yeah, the girl looks happy even when I eat a slice of an apple that she has cut.  _ I miss spending time with Trixie _ . "So, I was wondering what are you going to do next month" I lit up another cigarette "Michael is going on a business trip for a week and I think it would be nice if you take some time off and come over. I mean, I really miss you. And I hate being alone" I try to change conversation, holding Trixie's necklace between my fingers.  _ Please, say yes. Please, say yes. _

"I miss you too, Kitty Kat, but I don't know. I'll have to check with Juju. Can you text me the details later? I'll do my best" she says.

I let go of the necklace when I hear the bathroom door opening.  _ Shit, I didn't order dinner yet _ . "I have to go now, but I'll text you later, ok? Michael is here. I have to order some food"

"I'm only letting you go if you promise me to eat some of that food" She knows me. She knows if I promise her, I'll do it.

"I promise you, baby face. Love you"

"I Love you too"


	3. Deep in love

Trixie's pov:

_ "I promise you, baby face. Love you" _

_ "I Love you too" _

I hang up the phone, but our last words are still popping on my mind. I love Katya. More than anything. I'm so deeply in love with her, for so many years now. But what could I do? She's straight and married. And my best friend.

The first time I realized I was in love with Katya we were around 13 and I heard some girl calling her "a creep" during gym class because of her accent. Katya had already left class and went to the locker room, so she didn't see how mad I was. I started to scream and curse the girl; and she said  _ "Sorry, Trixie, didn't know she was your girlfriend" _ . I was angrily crying and I ran to the locker room looking for Katya. We hugged, and she tried to calm me down, asking me what had happened. I lied to her, telling some boy had hit me with a ball during class. She was so concerned about me being hurt, but at that moment, I didn't want anything else in the world, besides staying in Katya's arms. She was taller than I at that time and I felt so safe and loved the whole time she was hugging me. Ant then, I just knew.

First-year of high school I was determined to tell Katya about my feelings, hoping she could, maybe, be in love with me as well, since neither of us had had our first kiss yet _. Maybe she's also in love with me and hoping that we could have our first kiss together.  _ I invited her to my place someday after school, to hang out together listening to music, as we usually did, but she said she was going to Kevin's, a boy in our math class, and she was wondering if I could cover her back. The next day she told me they kissed, and I was devastated.

As the years passed by, Katya had a lot of boyfriends and I had a few girlfriends. She finally met Michael in college, and they fell in love. I was always hanging with both of them because the three of us went to the same university. Michael was a nice guy, quiet, but nice. We used to have fun together, but I didn't really care for fun, all I really wanted was to spend time with Katya. I never cared to be the third wheel, since I could look into Katya's big blue eyes and smell her perfume every time she was around. She was always the light of my eyes. When she told me they were leaving I was so angry with Michael. He was taking my baby away from me. You see, I could never be angry with Katya. NEVER. So, I started to hate Michael instead.

I felt so stupid for hating him, after all it wasn't his fault that I was secretly in love with his wife. But it was until a few months early this year when I _REALLY_ started to hate him. A flashback begins on my mind, making me remember everything about that night. I was cooking myself some dinner after a long day at work. Juju had asked me if I could work a few extra hours that week because we were completely booked at the bakery. I was so tired while cooking, but Katya's texts awoke me right away.

**Katya:** trix, i think i made a mistake

**Katya:** i don't think i'm happy with Michael

**Katya:** i can't handle this anymore

**Katya:** i'm always sad and my life is so meaningless

**Katya:** i don't have a job and I feel so broken

I turned off the stove right away and called her. She picked up so quickly, probably was still texting me something.

"Hey babe, what's wrong?"

"I... I don't know. I'm feeling so sad. I miss my old life"

"Come home" I didn't think before I said it. I should probably be trying to help my friend with her marriage, right? Not telling her to come right into my arms. But I didn't even feel sorry for being such a selfish friend. I just wanted her so bad.

"It's not that easy, Trix. I really love Michael, but I'm unhappy. I don't know what to do. I think I should try harder, you know?" she started to cry.

"Hey! Don't cry, babe! It's gonna be ok. Are you eating?" I asked her, but I already knew her answer, even before she opened her mouth.

"I'm trying," she sobbed.

"Kat, come home, please"  _ come home to me, please _ .

"I wish I could, Trixie. But I don't have enough money and I can't leave Michael alone. Maybe you could come? You can stay here with us. We can spend some time together".

_ Yes! I'll pack my bags right now and I'll be on the first plane to Los Angeles _ . Of course, this was my first thought, but then I realized Katya was willing to save her marriage. And I didn't think I should be there.

That was the first time Katya invited me in since she opened up to me about being unhappy with Michael. And today she invited me again. It was the third time. However, this time Michael wasn't going to be around.

I haven't seen Katya since the day she left for LA. We said our goodbyes at the airport and said we would see each other again soon. But I never visited her, after all, she was married now and I was trying, unsuccessfully, to let go of my love for her.  _ God, I really miss her. I want to see her so bad. I want to hug and protect her. I want to smell her hair and hold hands while we watch horror movies. She always tries to be brave, but she hides her face on my shoulder in the first five minutes. _

I was brought back to reality by my phone ringing, showing Katya's name. She sent me a text with all the information about Michael's time off, as she said she would do. Right beside, there's a picture of her eating Chinese food. She has sauce on her chin, and she looks adorably goofy. But in her eyes, I can see she has been crying, even though she was forcing a fake smile for the picture. I feel so sad and helpless. I was going to turn off the screen when I noticed something else in Katya's picture. I zoom in and notice that she's using my pink heart necklace, the one I gave to her a few years ago on Halloween's evening. It hits me right in my belly and, before I even realize it, I was already booking my airplane tickets. 


End file.
